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KAT 9 NEWS SPECIAL REPORT 

Published May 20, 2015 by hairballexpress

  

Greetings Humans, Fleabags, and Fuzzballs. 

This is Shrimp bringing you a special report from KAT 9 NEWS.

Kats face charges fur “fixing” their human’s trampoline 

 

Brothers Tubs and Bubs found themselves on the wrong side of the law after they decided to take matters into their own paws when their human skimped on cheap kat food instead of their usual favorite.

Appurently they had warned the human previously that the bargain brands, while saving money at the grocery store, also brought with them severe penalties. 

The brothers say the human just muttered something about them being “cute,” so they decided it was time to act decisively.  

However, brother Bubs claims that when he “adjusted the trampoline,” he didn’t know the human would actually hit the top of the Empire State building, and he’s “deeply sorry” fur all the humans’ fractures. Right.

KAT found loitering in museum breaks 3,000 year old vase 

  

Authorities are looking fur a stray kat who they say is responsible fur a break in (literally) of the Purrthenon Museum in Greece.

The kat was said to be lounging inside a 3,000 year old vase believed to have belong to some guy (with a name I can’t purrnounce)- who lived around 985 BC. UnFURtunately, he stretched and knocked the vase from its pedestal and onto the marble floor where it shattered.

Museum authorities say they plan to sue the kat fur damages. Good luck with that.

  

This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS. Good Day!
  ☕ Photos courtesy of Pinterest  ☕

KAT 9 NEWS SPECIAL REPORT 

Published April 20, 2015 by hairballexpress

  

Greetings Humans, Fleabags and Fuzzballs! This is Shrimp with KAT 9 NEWS coming to you with today’s special report.

“Pugsy Malone” arrested

This morning authorities caught up with a well known Gangster dog that they’ve been hunting fur months.

“Pugsy Malone” was hunted relentlessly by the FBI (Feline Bureau of Investigation), fur money laundering until a tip was called in today by “Someone who used to work with him.”

 

Digby Dogg spilled the biscuits on his old buddy, confessing that he used to bury the money in the backyard of the kats that lived next door. 

 

That is, until the kats caught him –

 

Since there are three eyewitnesses, (and kats never lie) – the FBI says it’s likely that old “Pugsy Malone” will spend a few years in the pound.

  

FBI AGENT Lloud Mowzer:

“Yep- old Pugsy is going away to a maximum security pound fur at least 7 years – we’ve got him fur money laundering, shredding couches, eating slippers, chasing kats, and biting Creatures. We’ve been after this dude fur along time.”

This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS. Good Day!

🐟 Photos courtesy of Pinterest and Cheeseburger 🐟

KAT 9 NEWS SPECIAL REPORT 

Published April 6, 2015 by hairballexpress

Greetings Furiends –

This is Shrimp coming to you this morning with a special report from KAT 9 NEWS. 

Well furiends, we have some puzzling news to report today. 

Dogs rebelling against owners 

It seems that “Man’s best furiend” has had a change of heart recently, as we’ve had reports of dogs rebelling against their owners –  

No one knows why this has happened – but dogs are challenging their owners at play and in other ways as well –

 

 

Could this be some side effect of their flea treatment, or some strange new virus? 

That’s the question experts are debating – but we here at KAT 9 NEWS think it’s just a doggone shame! 😹

And in other news,

KATS DIAGNOSED WITH A.D.D.

Humans are becoming increasingly concerned as more and more kats are being diagnosed with a condition previously reserved fur human creatures only.

 

However, unlike human creatures, Kats aren’t really bothered by the condition – in fact, we – Uh – I mean, they – actually enjoy it!

And, last but not least – 

Is A.D.D. Transmitted by human creatures?

 

That’s the latest theory from researchers at PURRnell University.

They tested 600 kats who had been exposed to human creatures fur 30 days at a time, and found that 99.9% of kats who were exposed returned to their staff with signs of Ambition Deficit Disorder – signs including;

  • An irresistible urge to scratch creatures (or dogs – whichever…)
  • Lethargy 
  • Excessive sleepiness 
  • The constant desire to eat 
  • A growng tendency to flap their tails 
  • A tendency to climb drapes 
  • A habit of hiding from any Creature that comes within 50 ft of the house 
  • An addiction to nip. 

Critics who disagree say that these symptoms don’t signal A.D.D. They claim that these symptoms are normal  kat behaviors. 

We here at KAT 9 NEWS, think that’s ridiculous, *(tail FLAP)!* / *(reaches under bed fur nip stash)*

This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS. Good Day. 


🐭 Photos courtesy of Pinterest and Cheezeburger 🐭


KAT 9 NEWS SPECIAL REPORT 

Published March 18, 2015 by hairballexpress



Greetings Humans, Fleabags and Fuzzballs. 

This is Shrimp coming to you this morning, afternoon, or whatever…with A special report from KAT 9 NEWS.

DOG CHASES PARKED CAR INTO GARAGE DOOR – Daily!



Well, we kats have known fur some time that dogs aren’t the brightest bulbs in the basket – but fur one dog owner, the not – so – bright dog (shoot – that dog’s not even LIT)- is costing them a lot of money in garage door repairs.

Appurently, Fido feels compelled to make sure that his humans’ vehicle is parked in the garage whether they’re home or not…which would be sweet if his compulsion wasn’t a daily event. 

His humans report that even when they stay home fur days without leaving at all, they will find Fido’s face sticking out of the garage door while his tail end remains on the other side -(wagging furiously).

Hmm. Must be something in the doggie biscuits.

FURUSTRATED HUMAN HIRES DOG TO POLICE REBELLIOUS TEEN 



Yep – you read that right. There’s some despurrate humans out there, furiends! 

Neighbors in the “It’s a dog’s world” subdivision have told KAT 9 NEWS that one angry mom hired the family dog to make sure her teenaged boy quit sneaking out at night. 

Whether it works out not is debatable however, because it appears the dog is smarter than the mom, since the dog has trained the boy to bring home biscuits fur him in exchange fur his remaining silent at his post outside Mom’s bedroom door. 

BIRD SUES U.S. GOVERNMENT FUR FALSE ADVERTISING 



It looks like even the wildlife in America is upset with the government, after an angry bird filed a lawsuit on  Tuesday charging the United States with false advertising fur their claim that, “The early bird gets the worm.”

The nameless bird claims he got up early every morning fur weeks in hopes of catching a nice, juicy worm fur his breakfast only to be disappointed again and again. 

He claims it is a violation of his civil rights and even plans to take aim at the Dept. Of Immigration fur threatening to send him back to the south.

KATS BEGINNING TO GIVE IN TO BARBIE’S STANDARD OF BEAUTY FUR WOMEN. 



Humans have debated fur years whether or not Barbie dolls have a negative effect on their female creatures, because of the unrealistic beauty standards she reflects. 

Now, Kats exposed to Barbie dolls in their Creatures’ bedrooms have also begun to strive to look like the dumb chunk of plastic. *(scratches head)*

KAT psychologists say this is mainly due to a lack of PURRoper amounts of nip in the kats’ diets.

This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS.

Good day. 

   🐭 Photos courtesy of Pinterest 🐭

KAT 9 NEWS SPECIAL REPORT 

Published March 7, 2015 by hairballexpress



GOOD EVENING (or whatever). 

This is Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS. I have interrupted my usual play schedule to bring you this urgent special report.

Creature devises unorthodox use fur sidewalk chalk 

Today the Creature broke out her new package of sidewalk chalk in order to plot her latest scheme against me and every other furry thing on 4 legs within her vicinity.

However, what started out as a simple plot to gather every animal she could get her paws on, somehow evolved into a grand redecorating scheme following the script of Frozen.



According to the Creature, “Elsa” (who has ice powers) suddenly arrived uninvited in her yard today in the middle of her plotting and scheming, fur no purrpose but to “freeze” the poor innocent wrought iron lawnchair that sat in the yard fur the last 6 years minding it’s own business.



Apparently not content to simply freeze the black iron chair into a frosty blue hunk of ice, “Elsa” purrceeded to also zap the Creature in her frosty frolic in an attempt to freeze her solid (purrobably to shut her up).

Oh dear. Whatever shall we do.



The Creature of course, immediately ran inside to alert the human, spreading icy blue “frozen dust” all over the freshly vacuumed house as she ran into the (freshly scrubbed) bathroom to “thaw her hands” with some warm water.

The human was not amused.



Now, back to my nap . 💤 *(snore)*💤 

This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS. Good Day (or whatever).



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