Kat 9 News

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Kat 9 News Special ReportĀ 

Published January 13, 2016 by hairballexpress

Greetings humans, fleabags, and fuzzballs! 

This is Shrimp coming to you today with a special report from KAT 9 NEWS.

šŸ”¹ Grumpy Kat fur Purresident?   


With the purresidential debates heating up in the US, many of those brainless humans are wondering if it’s time to put a female in the the Oval Office.

I say it’s definitely time- fur a feline female! Namely, Grumpy Kat.

From a kat’s purrspective (and the majority of humans surveyed)- Grumpy is better than any of the other candidates even with her lack of experience in the debate trenches- she has the cattitude to get the job done (and she’s cute)!

šŸ”¹ Kats “rude and condescending?” 


I can’t imagine what idiot has made the claim that we kats are rude, aloof, condescending, and passive – aggressive. 

But it’s come to our attention that this is how many of our slaves – excuse me, can openers – feel. What the flea! Morons!

Oh well,… In other news….

šŸ”¹ Some kats finding other uses for their previous prey 


It seems that humans aren’t the only ones with the entrepreneurial spirit –

Some kats have decided that gerbils have more beneficial uses than just breakfast. 

Take fur example, this smart Kat, Bill. He was lounging by the fireplace one day when he decided he was hungry and wanted some treats, but was too comfortable to get up and purrsuade the human to give him some.

That’s when he had an idea and a kat business was born! Let’s just say he  made the pet gerbil an offer he couldn’t refuse, and the little guy came scurrying back dragging the bag of treats behind him.

Since then, he has taught the gerbil to play fetch – “fetch the treats,” – “fetch the Fancy Feast,” – “Fetch the car keys,” – “Fetch the credit card…”

Hmmm. Maybe it’s time fur me to start a business! šŸ˜¼

This has been Shrimp reporting fur Kat 9 News. Good day.

   šŸ­ Memes courtesy of Cheezeburger šŸ­



Published October 20, 2015 by hairballexpress

Greetings Humans, Fleabags and Fuzzballs. This is Shrimp with a special report from KAT 9 NEWS.

  • Scientists at PURRnell University release details of intensive study on kat intelligence 

Humans have been thinking of us kats as nothing more than mere “animals” fur years. But that is all about to change, following the release of this new study.

The study reveals that we kats are far more intelligent than those idiot humans ever imagined – having not only logic, but exhibiting purroblem solving skills and expurrtise in science, such as this kat, PURRfessor Cottonball.  “Amazing” says one (human) scientist – surprised that Purrfessor Cottonball even knows what science is. Imagine how shocked he’ll be when he discovers that Purrfessor Cottonball is patenting his own brand of kitty litter with built in katnip! šŸ˜¹

And here, my pal “Dustbunny” demonstrates his purroblem solving skills – much to the chagrin of his “owner”/ staff.

UnFURtunately, some kats use their intelligence and skills fur the wrong purrposes, like my pal “Winky”- (below)- who learned from the best – politicians!

 And “Twinkie” demonstrates his desire to help others by volunteering to guard his neighbor’s chicken coop. Sadly, three of the chickens mysteriously vanished – believed to have been sucked up into an alien spacecraft while Twinkie used the litterbox.

*shakes head*

 In addition to “Twinkie,” researchers were also amazed at the hunting ability of “Icecap -” who climbed to the roof of this house in record time to catch the seagull who had taunted him fur days.  UnFURtunately, he’d furgotten that his staff had clipped his claws that morning. Tragic.

This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS. Good day.

       *stretch / yawn / snore *šŸ’¤ 

šŸ­ Memes courtesy of Cheezeburger šŸ­


Published September 22, 2015 by hairballexpress

Greetings Humans, Fleabags and Fuzzballs! This is Shrimp bringing you a special report from KAT 9 NEWS.

šŸ”¹Disturbing new kat haircuts irritating felines everywhere 

It seems that some of your well-meaning humans are taking grooming just a little too far…

As in our first example, “The Rainbow Kitty.”

We attempted to interview “rainbow kitty,” but since none of our reporters could catch her, we enlisted a K9 officer to help us locate her. Sadly, he is recovering in ICU at the animal hospital. 

Example # 2 We did our best to also locate “Leo the Lion,” but in spite of countless bags of treats, no one was able to coax him out from under the bed- (But rumor has it that he wasn’t thrilled with his new do).

Example #3


Okay, our reporters won’t even appuroach “Doggie kitty -” their life insurance won’t pay enough!

And, yet another unhappy kat….example #4

  And ANOTHER example, #5


So, there you have it – the latest trend in “kat haircuts.”

We purrsonally can’t help but agree with Sir Fluffster (below), who escaped his groomer when he figured out what was happening…

 Well said, Sir Fluffster!
This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS. Good day.

šŸ­ Photos courtesy of Pinterest & Cheezeburger šŸ­


Published August 3, 2015 by hairballexpress

Greetings Humans, Fleabags and Fuzzballs.

Today I have an urgent weather forecast fur you all – 

KAT 9 NEWS radar has located both a hurricaine and a tornado headed this way – there’s a 70 purrcent chance of the hurricaine hitting over the next few hours while at the same time, hot on the heels of Hurricane Kade,” a pink tornado has also been spotted wreaking wherever havoc it goes.

So get ready to lock up the windows and doors and refrigerator, because there’s a 99% chance of chaos, breakage, and irritation headed your way (sorry dudes)!

Here’s how the hurricaine looks on the radar….

It looks like it’s just getting started here…


I’m gonna be busy boarding up my windows, packing my nip, hiding my litterbox, and buying tickets to Japan – but while I do that, check out the pink tornado hot the heels of “Hurricane Kade!”šŸ™€


Oh my FLEAS! It’s worse than I thought! SEE YA!

…(This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS!)! 

        *ZOOMS UNDER the bed *


Published July 15, 2015 by hairballexpress

  Greetings Furiends, Fuzzballs and Fleabags – this is Shrimp with a special report from KAT 9 NEWS.

šŸ”¹Kats dealing with unemployment 

As hard as it may be fur some of you humans to believe, Kats also are feeling the stress of joblessness. 

Contrary to popular opinion, Kats like to be self – sufficient, with most kats working at night while their humans sleep.

Kats are employed in many jobs – like this fellow who was employed at a local deli until they let him go- now he is reduced to stealing while he awaits further employment. 


Tragically, this is the fate of many kats now as they wait fur the economy to impurrove. 

And in other news, while some kats are busy job hunting (while also mouse hunting), other kats are getting serious about fitness – like this kat, who teaches yoga at night:

And his faithful fellow instructor….  

And this kat has used his carpentry skills for his employment – good job!

Why, even Basement Kat has had to look fur employment – as a plumber!

But purrhaps the saddest fate of all, rests on this poor little dude – who had  to resort to babysitting creatures fur his Fancy Feast –


Is a sad day fur kats, folks. 

This has been Shrimp reporting fur KAT 9 NEWS. 

Good day. 

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