Kat 9 News

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Kat 9 News Special Report 

Published July 30, 2016 by hairballexpress



Greetings humans, fleabags and fuzzballs. 

This is Shrimp coming to you with a special report from Kat 9 News.

  • Kats getting involved in the fight against terrorism

These days everyone’s sick of terrorism, and after hearing about it on the news every night, two kats have decided to fight back. 

Meet Godzilla and Kong. 

Their humans said that until the recent purresidential campaign in the US, the two had been just like any other spoiled rotten kats -but once they observed the two nominees debating, they decided they had better get involved, and they began doing some plotting of their own. 

Now if they could just quit fighting each other…

  • Kats getting involved in protests 

In other news, kats have become tired of waiting fur humans to solve all the purroblems they’re always squawking about, and have themselves begun to lodge protests.

UnFURtunately, the subject of their protests can’t seem to move beyond the topic of cheap kat food, and the purresence of dogs and creatures in their homes.

Oh well, good luck with that!

  • Granny in England sues pet store for demolition team kats.

In a quaint small town in England, one sassy granny woke up to a feathery disaster this morning and discovered her newly purchased pair of Siamese twins had shredded her down comforter as she slept. 

They had tried to convince her that the comforter massacre had been carried out by the perky pekingnese dog that had lived there fur years before they arrived, and almost had granny convinced – until one of them started coughing up a feathery hairball. Oops.

She is suing The Pet Peeves pet store where the diabolical kats had been purrchased.

  • Verbal Typo leads to major Uh-Oh



French student, Chuckie the Chimp was appurently tuned into his iPhone and not his girlfriend when she asked him a question in French while they were studying together. 

Turns out that was great fur her, but not so great fur Chuckie – which he quickly discovered when she ran into the jungle fur a few minutes, and came out wearing a wedding dress and escorted by her gorilla dad – who just happened to be a minister… With a shotgun.

Oops.

This has been Shrimp reporting fur Kat 9 News. Good Day.


    🐭 Memes courtesy of Cheezeburger 🐭

Kat 9 News Special Report: KAT PLOTS DEATH OF “Human” – the Story

Published June 25, 2016 by hairballexpress


Greetings humans 😾

This is Shrimp reporting fur Kat 9 News.

  • Kat decides to dispose of purroblem “owner”

Well, okay, so it’s after 11. Deal with it.

After all, who actually expects a Kat to be on schedule?

Well folks, this is it. 

Yesterday started out nice and peaceful – the human was being a good little human and got up at 5:00 am so we had playtime.

At least, that’s what poor innocent little me thought -(and we did play, but then,)…

Two things happened that no Kat should have to endure- here’s the first- (and least offensive of the two)….


Yes, that’s right. She got me all excited to play and then ONLY SPENT a flippin half hour playing with me, then got the Creature and took her out on her scooter fur a looooooooong ride, and then took her out to a restaurant fur PIE!! 

And not just any old pie- 

SMORES pie with itty bitty Hershey bars, marshmallows, and baby teddy grahams on it –  and not only did she NOT bring home some fur me- after playing with the Creature all flippin day – but when she came home and the Creature left to go home…..

She took ME to the flippin VET! *tail SMACK!*


I wasn’t able to get any pictures, because I was too busy removing the humans’ makeup with my claws and climbing the flippin walls – but that flippin vet poked and prodded my belly (and other places that I won’t name)- and did very rude things with the thermometer, and weighed me….(Is she trying to say I’m FAT)??

Then she took my BLOOD!! (The human could’ve donated hers by the time I was done with her). *HISS*

Then, as if that wasn’t enough, she said I had worms-(But I didn’t bring anything with me – except fur my whiskers and claws and a ton of cuteness)! 

So because of that, she put stuff on my back to kill the worms (appurently I have to give up eating mice). *sighs*

Then, she turned my flippin ear right side out to clean it- (thanks to that brilliant human of mine telling her I’d been scratching my left ear a lot and that I seemed “sensitive” to it being touched and to loud noises).

The next thing I know, she’s teaching the human how to give me this huge tube of Medicine in my EAR-  (EVERY FLIPPIN DAY FUR 7 DAYS)!  

*sharpens claws *

AND THAT WASN’T ALL!

The vet combed me with a flea comb looking for fleas (I didn’t know fleas like to be brushed)? 

And she didn’t find any at all – (thanks to my Pawsome SERESTO collar) – and then, the lab test results came back (tested fur FELINE HIV and FELINE LEUKEMIA)- and both tests were negative…and while the human let out a sigh of relief, I wanted to jump off the table because appurently the vet decided I needed to have it and have me A SHOT!😾

The human tells me the shot is something to make sure I DON’T get it – but I’m not so sure I believe her. She’s a flippin crafty thing –

Here’s the purroof:


At least I have the comfort of knowing the idiot had to pay fur all that harassment. 

But -check this out – She’s going do it AGAIN in a few weeks! 😾

(But she’ll have to find me first)!

                              *plotting*

This is Shrimp reporting fur Kat 9 News.
And it HASN’T been a good day. *sighs*



Ps. Donations of tuna, treats, nip and body armour welcome.

Kat 9 News Special Report 

Published June 21, 2016 by hairballexpress


Greetings humans, fleabags and fuzzballs. 

This is Shrimp interrupting my flippin playtime to bring you an urgent Special Report.

  • Kats lead revolt to spur slow humans to action

There’s a new trend in Oregon that has some pet purrents concerned. 

Kats have increasingly become fed up with their humans taking their dear sweet time feeding them, because they can’t pull themselves away from their iPhones, iPads, and other electronics (including the TV). 

One brilliant Kat, Sir Twitchy from Springfield- has an excellent idea to nip the purroblem. Observing that these devices need to be charged often, he has started a movement among kats in Springfield, to find a way to “Occupy the chargers!”

So far, it works brilliantly, as the reluctant tech zombies realize that nothing short of the rapture or an earthquake is going to move the hungry kats away from the chargers. Hmmm….good move there, Sir Twitchy!

  • Angry Kat cooks bothersome birds 

Well, I think this picture is purrty self explanatory – but just in case you happen to be one of those slow-witted humans, I’ll spell it out fur ya…

Another Oregon kat – Colonel Mustard – decided to take matters into his own paws, when a seagull that stood in his humans’ driveway mocking him every day, purrvoked him fur the last time.

Sources tell us they suspect fowl play (mainly because the snoopy neighbor next door took this picture).

So there you have it, folks. 

It was Colonel Mustard – in the backyard – with the BBQ grill.

This has been Shrimp reporting fur Kat 9 News. Good day.


    🐹 Memes courtesy of Cheezeburger 🐹

Kat 9 News Special Report 

Published May 7, 2016 by hairballexpress


Greetings humans, fleabags and fuzzballs. 

This is Shrimp coming to you today with an urgent Special Report fur all you kats and your pet humans.

🔺 Kats too late to start human TNR PURROGRAM

Well, I’m afraid a brilliant Kat plan (devised by myself, Serafina and the rest of the kats in our neighborhood)- has UnFURtunately been thwarted. 

Kats everywhere have been noticing with  increasing alarm, that creatures are popping up at alarming rates in every neighborhood, and it’s been suggested that purrhaps it was time to give the humans a taste of their own medicine.

That’s when Serafina and I spoke to all our furiends and decided to institute the Human TNR PURROGRAM, (trap / nueter / return). 

Although it is a purrfect solution, there are a few things to work out. Fur example, how the flea does a kat go about trapping their human and getting them to the vet?

This is what we and the other neighborhood kats were addressing when the unthinkable happened –


Yep. Serafina shared some selfies she took of the moment she found out –



*Sighs deeply* 

Poor Serafina! 🙀 And of course, the Creature and the whole bunch of humans are flippin thrilled.


FUR FLIPPIN FLEAS’ SAKE! 

GET YOUR HUMANS TO THE VET BEFORE THIS HAPPENS TO YOU! 🙀

This has been Shrimp reporting fur Kat 9 News. Good grief.

Kat 9 News Special Report 

Published April 26, 2016 by hairballexpress


Greetings humans, fleabags and fuzzballs. 

This is Shrimp interrupting your day with a Special report from Kat 9 News.

  • Purrnell University Purrfessor Goes AWOL 


Sources tell us that the well known Purrfessor of Psychology at Purrnell University has had enough of sitting in stuffy classrooms chasing pens and balls of crumpled up paper, and instead of waiting fur retirement, has taken matters into his own paws and moved to Florida.

However, he entrusted his classes fur the rest of the semester to some of his most purromising students. 

Let’s see what they have to say;

Thomas: Keeper of the Purrfessor’s valued library book collection –

Well done, Thomas. It’s important to keep those books warmed.

Next, we move on to;

Bradley: The Purrfessor’s favorite philosophy advisor –

Thank you, Bradley – I can see why you are his favorite advisor.

And moving on to: 

Hector: the Purrfessor’s Legal Advisor-

Uh huh – Well, thank you Hector. But I hope you don’t do final estate planning. No offense.

Next, let’s hear from some of his top students –

Panther: First year psychology major –

Very true, Panther. In fact, some people may think so anyway. Just sayin.

Next, meet –

Fluffy: First year communications major 

Looks like you need a break from classes fur awhile, Fluffy.

And next, meet –

Sandy: Keeper of the Purrfessor’s beloved goldfish-


*delicious!*

And,

Smokey: The Purrfessor’s Diversity Advisor –

Hmm. He has a point there…

And finally, meet- 

Cuddles: the Purrfessor’s youngest student –


Excellent question, Cuddles! 

Well, certainly a lot to think about there -(especially that goldfish)…

This has been Shrimp reporting fur Kat 9 News. Good day.
     ğŸ¹ Memes courtesy of Cheezeburger 🐹

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